Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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