After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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