I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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