The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
