we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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