He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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