so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
