Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
how does that bad decision feel?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
