Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Its about making memories worth repressing
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
