But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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