Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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