Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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