At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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