in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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