i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
