she woke up with a sticky ear
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
