I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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