my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
