I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
