Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
