last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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