I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
