just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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