Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
