The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she smelled like a LAN party
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i drank out of a bidet.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
