Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
