I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
