I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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