Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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