My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just invented taco cereal.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
