My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
