I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
