if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
