just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
