my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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