....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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