we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I wish there were birth control emojis
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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