dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
