ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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