And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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