I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
