If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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