Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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