just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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