Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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