I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
