Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize