If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
