There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
