I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
