It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
