1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
