last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
