My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
