make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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