It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize