If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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