Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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