After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
