i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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