My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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