Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
